I've met guys who try to pull the “I'm an alpha male” stunt. I can see right through it – it's a joke. I agree with various posters on this site that women hate a wuss but what do I mean by that? If you're a guy that's been reading books or websites telling men how to be an alpha male, I'll bet your idea of what's a wuss is different than mine. Let me tell you a story: it might enlighten you.
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A few years ago, I met a guy who was so kind and loving I fell in love with him. It didn't matter that he wasn't obviously dominant. He did seem strong. I rejoiced in his strength! Here was a guy that was unafraid to express his feelings. He melted my heart by giving me a gift that showed he'd noticed something about me as an individual – not flowers and chocolates but something that meant something to me personally. But after a while, the loving compliments and kindness stopped. He started swaggering around being a caricature of a ‘dominant’ man. He became kinda defensive and expected me to pay for my meal when he took me to dinner. I could tell he'd been reading a book or website for men that he was trying to follow – and he even admitted it!
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He was no longer natural. It felt so FAKE! and the fact that he was following some idiotic advice from a book made it feel like he was real insecure. I could tell some of the changes was because he was in love with me and scared of being hurt but that didn't make it easier or less painful.
I'm a woman that likes give and take. If a guy asks me out to dinner then expects me to pay for my dinner, trust me, that's not going to impress me. Young insecure guys who've been reading websites and books about being ‘dominant’ will now be thinking “sponger”. I've got news for you guys – I'm not. If I invite you to dinner, am I going to give you a bill for your half at the end of it? I don't think so. I also like to buy a guy gifts, and do acts of kindness for the guy, too – it's a two-way street, not all one way.
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That guy made me feel unloved even though I knew he loved me! It felt like I wasn't special enough to him to be kind to anymore. When we were in line for the theater and all the couples ahead of us in the queue paid together and the guys doing the paying didn't look like they resented doing so, and then we get to the window and my guy pays for himself then I pay for myself, it hurt. I could see the couple behind us looking at us, and it hurt.
When a guy wants us each to pay our ‘fair share’ for everything, it doesn't feel good. It makes you feel like it's not a relationship, it's two separate people being sure to keep it that way.
That guy thought I wouldn't respect him if he paid for the dinner or movie he'd invited me out for. In fact, what I didn't respect was his lack of generosity of spirit. What I didn't respect was his insecurity, his weakness, his meanness. What I didn't respect was that he did not feel good enough about himself as he truly was – kind and loving – and that he tried to become something he wasn't. It made me feel sad, and the money issue made me feel like there was distance between us. The comparisons with other men I know – men who have the strength and security not to be penny-pinching and mean, men who are kind in their strength – became too glaring and I ended the relationship with him.
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Now I'm with a guy that has never let me pay for anything except when I've been the one doing the inviting. That doesn't mean he's spent way more than the other guy and that I've been taking advantage of him – I've done more for this guy than I ever did for any guy before, and I love to buy him gifts and treat him to a full body massage often. He says he feels pampered, and I feel pampered by him too. We've been together over a year now. He's definitely not a wuss!
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What is wuss behavior? A guy that's desperate, a guy who's sure he's not good enough, a guy that sacrifices what he wants for you in an attempt to curry favor, a guy that's indecisive and apologetic, a guy that doesn't have any steel in his personality. Most of all, a guy that plays the pity card. That's what being a wuss is, not acts of kindness, paying for dinner, buying little gifts.
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There's websites and books out there telling men women want a dominant man (true) but those that tell men that courtesy and kindness and a bit of give and take are wuss behavior are doing those men a disservice. I hope this site is not one of them.
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